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Fri, Oct. 28th, 2005, 03:02 am
Am I OK ???
So you call and you're concerned....well im not ok, and this is obvious.... Maybe the fact that I've love you more than life itself makes me not OK Maybe the fact that you've already moved on makes me not OK Maybe the fact that kissing you takes my breath away makes me not Ok Maybe looking into your eyes and feeling my soul sink makes me not OK Maybe wishing I could heal you and make you happy but know you wont let me makes me not OK Maybe the fact that you are leaving makes me not OK Maybe the fact that you call her beautiful makes me not OK Maybe when you tell me things when you're drunk and act like it never happened makes me not OK Maybe the fact that I may never stop being in love with you makes me not OK Maybe knowing I lost the most special thing to happen to me makes me not OK Maybe wanting to reach out and hold you everytime i see you makes me not OK Maybe knowing that I blew it makes me not OK Maybe knowing that you blew it makes me not OK Maybe feeling that there is not solution i can think of makes me not OK Maybe knowing that I love you until I do not exist anymore and I will never have you again makes me devastated.
Life has been really weird lately, almost surreal....Nothing is familiar anymore, nothing at all. Everyone is a stranger, everything is strange..none of the events or people in my life really make much sense. Things are moving but they are moving differently, events, time, people and places, they fit...but its not quite like they used to. Everything is moving and im moving with it, and there is no looking back, and everytime I try to turn my head to glance behind me I am catapolted into something comepletely different preventing my head from turning at all. The Fall makes me very nostalgic and my memories always seem to be so full of color and so vivid during this time...but everything is a blur..maybe it's because all the memories i held so dear dont make any sense to me anymore..I doubt everything I've experienced the past 2 yrs of my life. Its a strange feeling thinking you know someone like the back of your hand, and as a bit of time gives, you see things that make you question whether you ever really knew them or not. I've never been very good with change, it scares me....it makes me look in every direction for something or someone to hold on to. And when I come home from an unfamiliar night filled with a bunch of strangers and I've had too much to drink and Im lonely and I make that phonecall and he comes and I try to wrap myself in him but his arms are unfamilair and he smells different but the fact is that hes there, listening to me cry and rubbing the back of my head..and sometimes, though nothing makes sense at all, its all I really need at the time.
Thu, Aug. 25th, 2005, 08:17 pm
I walk into this empty apartment, to the darkness....to the stale sinking feeling thats there no reason for me to even keep trying.....I look at myself and I hate what I see...I look at my life and I what is there and what isn't, I feel so completely and utterly alone....so hurt...and like such a useless peice of trash. If I left and didnt come back how long would you miss me? how long would you remember me........ I really feel like Im dead inside...I hate the thought of waking up every morning....sometimes I'll pray and ask god before I go to sleep, that i never wake up.
Tue, Jul. 26th, 2005, 03:45 pm
Tagged
By Jennna ! name six favorite songs at the moments LFO - tied up The Misfits - She Billy Corgan - Mina Loy Fiona Apple - Sullen Girl Icon of Coil - shelter I tag Christian, Alona, Sunny, Marz, and your mom....ya you heard me, your mom
Sun, Jul. 24th, 2005, 03:59 pm
Fuck the Scene
OK, as much as I hate to admit it, I've been going to the goth/industrial clubs since I was 15 yrs. old...from the moment I started attending I could obviously tell who were the people that had been going for awhile were the "cool" people and who were the dorks.....not that it is physically obvious since everyone looks the same at the clubs, but you could tell by the attitude... I have never ever sought acceptance or approval by anyone in the scene but moreso just went to the clubs to dance and maybe make some friends with common interests....unfortunately I've come to find, that clubs are not just a place to have fun...no no, they are much more...they are a brutal playground at your local highschool...There are cliques, there is shit talking, there is drama, there are the "cool" kids who look down on everyone else, there are the "dorks" that are the tool for everyones jokes...its sickening... I've made a few "friends" through clubs and have been thoroughly disappointed by almost all of them....I dont want "party" friends, I dont want shallow friends who think it will be cool to hold me on their arms when they walk around, I dont want friends that shred people apart because they dont deem them "cool". I've noticed a lot of people and "friends" have started talking about me...and thats fine....its just helping me see their true colors.... I'm sorry I dont make the clubs and everyone at them my life, I enjoy having a completely seperate life outside of clubs and thouroughly enjoy other more productive activities than going clubbing 4 nights a week...I have a career I am working towards and a degree to earn, sorry if you'd like to think I've been busy for other reasons...cause I know you all love your filthy rumors...sorry if I dont look like you think I should, sorry my clothes aren't cool enough, sorry my make up isn't cyber enough, who cares if I lost 20 lbs or gained 40... Who cares if I drink when I go out, I'm obviously not out much since most of you guys never see me anymore...I'm busy having a life...sorry if my real friends dont measure up to your standards...you're just trying to keep busy pointing out the faults in everyone else so you dont have to look inward and realize how miserable you are...I'd rather have good, real quality friends that have been there for me through some of my roughest times than friends who like to parade around with me and get me drunk at clubs and then turn around and call me an alcoholic and say you're "worried" behind my back..yet have no idea what I've been through the past yr. Im sorry I wasnt malicious enough for you...And I admit, I almost slipped there, I found myself being a rude, snotty, stuck up shit-talker and thats just not me. But I caught myself, and I much happier with my quality of life. I work really hard and I've been through so much these past few months it's mind blowing, and yet I've kept strong and accomplished a lot more than any of you have probably accomplished in your whole life. And yet all you can do is talk shit about what Im wearing or who I am with or how Im behaving.... If I want to get shitty when I go out, I will and I dont care what any of you say or think, I dont care if you think I have problems because obviously you wouldnt know either way cause you never bother to communicate with me unless its at a club..just remember those times Id hang out with you and youd buy me alocohal cause you wanted me to get drunk cause you wanted me to be your pretty, little puppet and even told me "you're more fun when you're drunk" and now you condesendingly tell me your worried I have a drinking problem..I barely even drink once a week if that...I just get drunk at clubs cause I cant handle people like you sober.... I hate how you build up people only to turn your back on them and tear them down....you can pretend to care but I know where your heart is..and its truely sad that you are that miserable that you need to do this to others so you dont have to focus on you're sad life. I pity you.
idustrial festival at the avalon..... the whole day I was depating whether or not I wanted to go cause of the money issue....well I decided to go, and if I do say so myself I think it was a wise decision :) Babyland = awesome. They put on a great show as usual and the crowd got really into it and thats always a plus. They played a pretty good set mixing up older and newer songs....I've seen Babyland a few times now live and it doesnt really get old to me...they are great. Also, I didnt eat anything yesterday and decided to take 3 what were generously bigger than shots of vodka before going..... Somehow I managed to stay pretty drunk for most of the night...and just when I thought I was sobering up, I was given a drink, which put me right back on track. It was fun seeing all my drunk friends, but my favorite person to see out at clubs recently has been Carisa...she is such a riot and so fun, I love it. Everybody was drunk and having fun....it was great. Combichrist = one of my favorite bands right now....I had such a great time during the whole set....I had an awesome buzz and was up in front with the beauitful Marz and Rev John (who I adore). We all rocked out (haha) and the songs he chose to play were almost all my favorites....I was really happy he did bulletfuck....love that song. after the show I went back stage with rev john and marz and hung out and had some more alcohal (bad idea) I also finally got to talk to Kellie (andy/combischrist wife)..she was super sweet and really cute. after only being back stage for a little security kicked us all out cause they wanted to close the avalon.....but by then I had consumed to drinks of bacardi 151 and coke.... I felt..OK as we were leaving, but the second I got in the car, it was over for me.....everything was spinning...I was beyond trashed.....not so good. I needed to eat something to soak up all the booze that was just sitting there so I tell my roomate to take me to jack in the box....well I dont even make it there...he has to drop me off at home while he went to get the food and I ran to the bathroom to christen ( im sure thats spelled totally wrong, but you get the idea) our toilet at the new apt., by christen I mean....puke in it....there was nothing much to puke though considering i hadnt eaten so it was basically a bunch of liquid...water/soda/alcohal...haha but it was great.....I had a great time and wouldnt change anything about last night....I could think of a couple things that would of made it better, but we wont get into that ;) anyway....topped off the night with orgazmo and jack in the box, and passing out in my comfy bed, in my own bedroom...wow it feels nice to have that.... I have been really depressed lately and honestly I just needed that release and it was just what I needed..... well that and billy corgan smiling at me while he played pretty pretty star at the fillmore....but thats a whole different story....
ya my ink is better than yours ! its fucking amazing ! this picture does it no justice considering it was dark and a camera phone but they still look amazing ! if you like his work and want something done go to gurutattoo.com names Turk...i love him.  in case your wondering..it DOES say "love is suicide" ... and no its not cause of a guy....that quote means a lot to me and its from one of my favorite songs of all time written by one of my favorite artists of all time.... 
I feel that old familiar sense of loss...of things slipping out of my hands......as the pages of life want to keep turning I keep wanting to read the old chapter over and over.....that old familiar feeling of rejection....re-lived by similar feelings of now coated with memories I listen to wumpskut's album :eevil young flesh:: and it brings me back to the days of wanting something so bad but not being able to quite grasp it....there was always an obstacle, a challenge I was willing to meet but never quite got there.... Im realizing after I long year and a half i really didnt ever make it......and that thing I feel slipping away was never really there in the first place....
I dont want you to be my drive through buddy thats my best friend for a couple weeks then diseappears and returns weeks later with the same intentions...I dont want you to be my party friend where we only get drunk together....I dont want my only purpose to be used as a crutch or punching bag and dont want to do that to you..no random phone calls everynow and then for courtesy...I dont want us to have to catch up.... Lets have sleep overs, lets talk for hours, lets go to the beach, lets go on random adventures, lets go shopping, out to diner, be fatties together...call just to say hi, cry on each others shoulders,talk shit together..chain smoke and drink wine together... Im sick of these puddle deep relationships I have with people....I want to be close to someone...close to the point that I could tell them anything and vise versa...miss them when they arnt around....I want to KNOW they're always there and I want them to be confident in me....lets get into trouble together,bail each other out...lets go dancing together...cook, stay in and watch movies together.... I dont want randomness, I want your friendship. Im sorry if thats too much.... Im sorry if im not satisfied with a litte here, a little there,,,but thats just how I am right now I want that closeness but I dont think you understand, or care, or want it in return.... but until then I'll be your puddle friend, until you decide that the puddle just isnt deep enough.... Im getting tattooed on sunday...you coming ?
Tue, Jun. 28th, 2005, 12:31 am
swallow
Do good deeds get returned in time ? Will people ever appreciate what you look for in them ? Do they understand your effort ? Forgotten birthdays and thoughtless acts leave me feeling alone and drained.....How long will I work pro bono before I get a break..... You care for those who could care less as they do the same to others, you see it and it makes you sick and yet, you are the pathetic doormat that cries come...walk on me, I'll be your couselor, I'll be your ear, your mind, your voice of reason...your love....and...I...will sit back and hope for love in return and when it does not come I will reach out only to give more to you.....put others on a pedastle and ignore my righteous acts, its ok..i still love you..... Go ahead tell me problems one more time, I'll still give you advice...come to me with all your burdens I'll gladly take them on, and you will turn your head and kiss the feet of those who serve you no good...and thats fine, cause I will still be there...your crutch. Pretend I dont feel to make yourself feel better, thats ok..Im used to it...I am in fact an inanimate object, or at least I'll let you keep telling yourself that...All smiles and a bottle of wine and we'll pretend we're best friends for awhile, but when I spead thin and dont have much left to offer...but myself....you will be gone......but when you come back i'll still be here...waiting for the sweet gestures, a greatful heart, a spot in your heart large enough to touch....and when I dont get it....I will still be there with nothing left to give, so therefor you can feel free to swallow me whole.
Mon, Jun. 27th, 2005, 11:51 pm
Lately....I've felt so starved of human affection. Im around people all the time, yet I feel so lonely inside.... "what am I to do with all this silence" People are a constant disappointment and annoyance to me. It becomes disheartening when people that are supposed to care look at you like a fool when trying to express your feelings, and look down on anything they dont agree with. I've know you can never count on people, but in a world where I've always felt so alone, I cant help but hope they can be there for me..... it saddens me that people who love me will never show me people always have motives you'll always get let down Your judged by even your closests friends I've always thought of a friend as someone you can trust with secrets, someone who you can go to with anything and be completely honest and not be the slightest bit afraid of being judged, someone who supports you and shows interest in your life, someone who has your back 100 percent and would always defend you to others, a friend you can laugh with, drive hours and hours aimlessly with and just talk about everything and nothing, someone who appreciates your sense of humor, someone who can tell what mood your in just by looking at you and shows honest concern...... I feel I've always been that to others.....my motives have always been good besides the fact that I am hoping to be treated that way in return... People arnt perfect but I feel no one I know or have known has taken an honest interest in me or concern. Theres so much of me thats been wanting to break away lately and let go yet I feel I cant confide in anyone......but I do have my music, my precious music....its really honestly become my best friend..... I guess all I want nowadays is someone to hold me while I scream and cry.....and just be comfortable there holding me...but I guess that is probably too much to ask
I had a lot of fun with Erin the other night....finding friends is something I've aslways found exceptionally hard...well not actually finding friends, but finding good ones...and shes deffinitly a goodin.
I never realized though how the amount of food you eat during the day really effects how drunk you get.....I got retarded off half a bottle of wine and a beer and a half...oh wait ! I did take a zanaz cause the roundabout was stressing me out ! haha oh man, I'll use any excuse to pop one of those ? Do I have a problem? ...... Naaaa.
I've had a lot of self realization lately....I've always questioned my actions and why I do things and what are my motives I've realized clear and simple.....either to make me happy or others....my whole life I've lived to please others....and well now, Im trying to make myself happy....and if what makes me happy is not your idea of happiness or morally correct thats fine, because your not me and nothing I do has to affect you...people are so judgemental and hard on each other nowadays....why dont you point the finger at yourself and I try to figure yourself out before you lecture others :) Wed, Jun. 1st, 2005, 04:34 pm
I dont know
which one is better !!! I love the fact that I am dating billy corgan in my Giavonna one, but the fact that I made a sex tape with that nasty fuck from janes addiction bothers me And I hate the fact that Kelly Osborne is the one I am dating for the Gia one, but the fact that I made a video with rose McGowen makes me happy either way, i am bored lol.
Wed, May. 11th, 2005, 09:06 pm
house sitting
SO my life never seems to calm down...as soon as it feels the storm as quieted it rises again. I was living with my moms friends and my mom for the past ohh...i think 6-8 months....but her friend who owned the home was out of town on business the whole time and when she came back she wanted the house to be less crowded so of course that meant i had to move.....I was freaking out cause i didnt know where I was going to go...but my sister let me live with her...ive been staying there now for less than 3 months and shes telling me the lease is up in june and that she just found out how much money shes receiving in alamony and its not enough to stay at that partment and that shes only gonna have enough to get a one bedroom for herself....meaning I have to find a place to live yet again...i am really sick of this....next place i am moving i want to be there for a yr at least....i need some kind of stability and there is really none of that in my life right now...so I am looking for a roomate to get a 2 bedroom with or I am gonna find a studio apt. to have by myself...but that would suck cause i dont have a computer and i dont think i can survive without the internet. I am scared but excited at the same time....Id been planning on moving out in the near future but i didnt think id be pushed into it like this....but I still beleive everything happens for a reason and i know everything will work out just fine..... Daniel is in germany now and I am house sitting...its kinda cool having the place to myself but its also kinda weird...I miss him.....Id love to be in germany now too, I've never been to europe and i want to go so bad..ugh im jealous...... I never realized how much i really hung out with daniel up until now that hes gone and im realizing i dont have much to do..lol anyway work is whatever...i really dont like what its becoming thegre but i need the money until something better comes along........ I need a break...ugh....some thing wonderful happen to me.....soon !!
so heres a little update..... my 5 favorite bands right now are... CHILDREN OF BODOM !!!! Hocico The Prids Death from Above and duhhh.... this never changes....Skinny Puppy I've just been working lately, I took htis quarter off from school because life sucked for awhile and i was too depressed to even get out of bed in the morning and id cry all day so school wasnt something i could really do......my job has been kinda lame, but whatever i need the money and the money is deffinitly better than a retail job....I was gonna write a big long entry aout everything in my life by my friend melody just called and shes picking me up and taking me to work.....
Tue, Apr. 19th, 2005, 02:36 am
Metal Skool
tonight me and zsanett went to metal skool to see deadsy..and they were kinda boring...but metal skool rocked ! we got soooo wasted and got up on stage and danced and made out in front of everyone ! Bam was there and so was Jessica Simpson AND she was with Bam,...hhmmm wheres nick ??? well I heard shes been taking it up the ass from johny knoxville so i wasnt surprised..but tonight was great ~!
Mon, Apr. 18th, 2005, 11:11 am
When it is time
Sometimes during a major change in your life its good to do something special for yourself that you enjoy...for me, getting peirced is quite enjoyable.....and so i went for the most painful peircing possible and I <3 it !! i got my septum peirced and I look HAWT ! hehe :) pictures to follow soon.
Two songs that are really helping me through right now... Don't Cry Out I don't get you . . I can't forget what you've forgotten all along I've never been so alone Don't Cry Out Cease Fire I was pretending Your secret kiss of confidence Was my escape The perfect game to play... Ten nine eight and I'm breaking away I'm all dressed up and I'm ready to play Seven six five four and I'm all over you Counting three two one and I'm having fun... Your fascination With naked walls of silk and skin With no conditions I needed you to notice.... That’s all I wanted Rainy Monday I don't mind You’re someone who ain't mine But someone that I'll get And you don't know how Hard I've tried To convince myself that I Can easily forget But you left this feeling Here inside me One that never fails to find me... On a rainy Monday ...a feeling inside me Like the days of summer On a rainy Monday ..I feel it inside me In the hopes of one day I won't lie I still can't say that I Admit we went too far And you won't see me change my mind But I really wish that I Could forget the way you are But you left this feeling here inside me The battle in my mind still fights me I can see that you're not beside me But I still feel you shine inside of me
At this point I have no hope and I see no light at the end of the tunnel.....I have no direction and nothing to look forward to....this is a scary feeling and I dont want I am going to do with it.
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